I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
