You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
