come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sext me about skeletons
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
