Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
