I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i believe in u and ur pee
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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