WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
