i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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