Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
