Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
