Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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