Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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