I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
