I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
