why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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