O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
