Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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