TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
