totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My dick has a subreddit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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