This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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