is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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