I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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