Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
