We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
