Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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