We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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