I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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