My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
