Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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