put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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