and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
