do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
