I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
