I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
