Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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