how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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