I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
