return my video game
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
