Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
