I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
