our cab driver is having phone sex.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
