took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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