I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
