And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
