If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
