At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
