I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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