Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need a hoe opinion
go on
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
