My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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