Someone shit on the floor
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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