i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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